Too Cold to Be Lucky

Its all like a dream. I cried on the phone two weeks before christmas saying its too cold please take me home. The next thing I know was flying with AirCanada back to the city where I tried my whole life escaping from. I was sitting on the plane, eyes wide open, biting fingernails and thinking about some deep questions like life and death. By the time I got off the plane, I searched my whole heart looking for the sense of jumping for joy or whatever positive feeling it should be - but to find myself just kept walking, walking really fast and looking straight. It was like walking on a runway. I could only see the people in front of me in a distance, they're moving backwards, I looked through their eyes. It were those asian eyes finally brought me back to think about where exactly I am.
I kept taking airplanes, buses, taxies, subways ... pushing and being pushed by crowds. I started to be really cheered up seeing familiar smiles on friends' faces, the way how those lips moving and producing the most beautiful sounds in the world. I did a lot of hugging, warm hugs between people which you can even feel each other's skin under those thick fat winter jackets. Nothing is better than drinking in the name of reunion. And being soaked up in the smoke and feeling alcohol burning my stomache cells, with cheesy club music serving as a kind of dreamy background, I could sit there just for hours.
Just like a child, I was too all over dad's places. The glory of the clients' product launch party made me excited. The internal brainstorming meeting made me inspired. The whole business process made me feel alive and kicking. Seeing the hard-working, sweat-and-tear part of the fairy tale was what reminded me thinking big. Although I didnt know what exactly these all everything is bringing me to, I was really in need of the kind of spirit shot.
There was this wedding of my classmate from high school, with the same old story where the girl accidentally got pregnant so the guy decided to prepare a marrige. One and half years ago, same thing happened to my another guy friend with abortion being the sad ending. So I couldnt help but thinking, 23yrs old is an odd age. It is an age that guys would think they could make commitment IF THEY HAVE TO. But if 22? Hmmm maybe not.
I probably sound like "a woman who had been through some painful stories and been hurt badly", quoting a friend. I laughed when thinking about it.
In front of me was two really close friend knew so well from their so-called male perspective, I happily had four glasses of wine with and two cigarettes. I picked up the sense of loneliness that has been long gone for ages, and I went silent. It was weird to feel the pursuit of your life was so clear in front of you just like where my friends were, and the happiness attached is also painfully touchable. All I did was remain silent and hoping my ass off that the next second after blinking my eyes, all of these please go.
I know that was the first time in my life ever, I start to question whether the something that I would like to trust was real. I start to wonder if I do deserve the good side of the story. Perhaps, for this winter - its just too cold to be lucky.