Regression.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

2 volka grogs, some tequila shots, one beer, very first trial on cigarettes, some latin music, some hip-hop, 3 pubs in a row, one kiss on the stairs, randoms hugs in streets, laughters among sense of guilty, signs under my arrogant pride finally, something amanda No one can tell what's going on in this crazy complex. All we did is just trying to be tough when people think we are stronge, trying to be tougher when they think we are insane. Well, in fact, all lies. Dont pressume you know me, cause I see the very pure.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

有時候，回憶對我來説是一種折磨 讓我記起曾犯的錯誤曾傷害過的人曾經受的欺騙以及不該有的軟弱 站在這個人生點，的確很多時候可以做到一笑置之，豁達寬容 然而只有自己知道，有時内心還是迷茫不安的 可以把自己想象得很成熟，可惜這種成熟根本就保護不了自己 往往還落得自找麻煩的下場 笑別人 但看腳下 依然是自己孤獨的影子 也許越長大，越發現 戰友，愛人，親人，知己 都是可遇不可求

Saturday, October 21, 2006

伴侶 理想的 應該是 那個男人可以捧著我的臉，為我擦去臉頰上的淚水， 一個踏實的擁抱，告訴我一切都會好起來 如果越不過我的堅強 我看到的只有軟弱

Thursday, November 16, 2006

越來越有意識地去體會那種喜歡的感覺，可以是一瞬間的喜歡，也可以是階段性的喜歡 還是不明白爲什麽自己可以為一個已經過去很久的吻而神魂顛倒 不過逝去的東西不僅是不可以回來，我也不想它再回來 問我相信一夜情嗎 以前不會 不過現在覺得若是像電影中一夜情之後還有偶然的相遇，分離，再相遇，再分離 那倒是件浪漫的事 只不過會很辛苦

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Bus running on the highway, as if there are only the two of us lying in seats I looked up into his light blue eyes and gave him a gentle kiss on the lips never feel this kinda comfortable, understanding and being understood. I was putting my hands in his giant hands, only hoping time could stop right here I am collecting every single kiss, and trying my best to grasp every beautiful moment --- it is not the first time God gives such dilemma --- I was always left wanting to love, but little time for loving End of the day, he kissed me on the nose because I am way too short. I blushed. Every second spent with him, is a victory.

Chocolate for a Child of 23

Spring is on the way, following the left bit taste of chocolate on the annual Valentine's day. We are like children craving for the chocolate treats, just because there has been at least one Valentine's that we felt like the happiest person in the world.

How far could spring be when winter is around

This is a chinese saying, I assume. A very old-fashion one, kind of telling people in a wiselike way, however never in a I-told-you-so-way.

I still remember the day before last day I spent in Torontoin at the end of 2008. I was out for a clinic appoinment and the snow alarm was 16cm. It was literally a snow stormy day. I walked in the city as if I was walking through a jungle trying to not stumble in piles of snow, cause of the wind the snow everything I almost thought of as punishment of nature. I lived just a few blocks away from the clinc, the distance of which I used to enjoy walking slowly taking the peacefulness on Bay street. However on that day I was cursing all my way there, and I felt so depressed over the feeling of living the winter in Toronto just like that.

I was wrong. Even though I didnt remember being this cold when I was in Norway for winter, now in Toronto turns out to be much much less horrible than I expected. I checked the calendar, and laughed at myself. Im always so easy to get panicing. And thus always so difficult to just take a moment and enjoy what I am having.

I always have a wierd feeling about Toronto. Recently I just realized part of this oddness I kept sensing about - it is just that I have never lived in such a city where even the locals have difficulties articulating their identity of being from the city. The Shanghainese have this huge prestiges over any others from rest of China (maybe even asia) cause of its remarkable progress in economic growth; The HongKongnese have this amazing sense of chinese tradition which perfectly mixes with their pride of being international; The Norwegian (sorry to oversimplify them into a city concept) always can clearly tell you the differences they have from other scandivian countries with numbers of jokes and experiences (over a good drunk of course); The londoners, however also being in a multicultural urban society, are very good at using the city's uniqueness and leading roles in various aspects to convince you what they all have in common; The dutch's personality and their values (mostly resulting from living in such a geographically tiny flat country) are always their symbolic stamps.
For Toronto, when I was unconsiously searching, if there is any, it kind of left no impression on me so far. Although there is a growing perception in my heart, whenever I was walking down the crowds, reading newspaper, hearing conversations, that this city is still struggling to loose the burden of "having to be Canada's #1" "catching up to be North America's top city" and really creating something that can be shared by all Torontonians and for which to be proud of.

The pain in finding such way just started to fascinate me muchly. I am thinking, Toronto is just like me, in some ways.

Too Cold to Be Lucky

Its all like a dream. I cried on the phone two weeks before christmas saying its too cold please take me home. The next thing I know was flying with AirCanada back to the city where I tried my whole life escaping from. I was sitting on the plane, eyes wide open, biting fingernails and thinking about some deep questions like life and death. By the time I got off the plane, I searched my whole heart looking for the sense of jumping for joy or whatever positive feeling it should be - but to find myself just kept walking, walking really fast and looking straight. It was like walking on a runway. I could only see the people in front of me in a distance, they're moving backwards, I looked through their eyes. It were those asian eyes finally brought me back to think about where exactly I am.
I kept taking airplanes, buses, taxies, subways ... pushing and being pushed by crowds. I started to be really cheered up seeing familiar smiles on friends' faces, the way how those lips moving and producing the most beautiful sounds in the world. I did a lot of hugging, warm hugs between people which you can even feel each other's skin under those thick fat winter jackets. Nothing is better than drinking in the name of reunion. And being soaked up in the smoke and feeling alcohol burning my stomache cells, with cheesy club music serving as a kind of dreamy background, I could sit there just for hours.
Just like a child, I was too all over dad's places. The glory of the clients' product launch party made me excited. The internal brainstorming meeting made me inspired. The whole business process made me feel alive and kicking. Seeing the hard-working, sweat-and-tear part of the fairy tale was what reminded me thinking big. Although I didnt know what exactly these all everything is bringing me to, I was really in need of the kind of spirit shot.
There was this wedding of my classmate from high school, with the same old story where the girl accidentally got pregnant so the guy decided to prepare a marrige. One and half years ago, same thing happened to my another guy friend with abortion being the sad ending. So I couldnt help but thinking, 23yrs old is an odd age. It is an age that guys would think they could make commitment IF THEY HAVE TO. But if 22? Hmmm maybe not.
I probably sound like "a woman who had been through some painful stories and been hurt badly", quoting a friend. I laughed when thinking about it.
In front of me was two really close friend knew so well from their so-called male perspective, I happily had four glasses of wine with and two cigarettes. I picked up the sense of loneliness that has been long gone for ages, and I went silent. It was weird to feel the pursuit of your life was so clear in front of you just like where my friends were, and the happiness attached is also painfully touchable. All I did was remain silent and hoping my ass off that the next second after blinking my eyes, all of these please go.
I know that was the first time in my life ever, I start to question whether the something that I would like to trust was real. I start to wonder if I do deserve the good side of the story. Perhaps, for this winter - its just too cold to be lucky.

get going

Here I am, after half year since my last post on blogspot, Im back in the game. *hehe* Although I am pretty sure most of the people has lost track of this blog which means Im basically talking to myself here, I guess its still nice for me to get a fresh new start and try to put down little by little that is growing in my mind.

So I am back in Canada, back in Ontario, but this time back in Toronto, the city which I had such deep impression on exactly two and half years ago --- I fell in love instantlywith the vibrant environment, the livelyness, as well as its messiness and crowdedness, the first time I saw it. Despite the fact that my heart would probably long for Europe most of the time, but if its Canada (ohhh you know the complicated reason/s), "it has to be Toronto" - I told myself.

Toronto did not change much, I have to say being subjective. And I am quite sure its me that has changed how I look at people and city lives. I did experience a little struggle when I firstly arrived this time - wondering if people were as rude as the last time I visited, if the buildings have been renovated or what; However, now I found myself getting used to the place as I am really living here and breathing in every minute of this Toronto life.

Here is one to all of those now being abroad tasting life on their own. We are all bunch of very brave and blessed people, and I am very much looking forward to seeing where different places would bring us to.

Love
amanda

slowly we're getting older, and wiser, and full of fear.

Just returned to Kong after the Chinese New Year. Yeh its been another year. Although I missed the last one the only one in life, it didnt feel much different this time still --- nonstop eating in the name of family gatherings, moving from restaurants to restaurants, trying out different dishes, appreciating chinese food culture, once again being amazed by how far our nation goes in exploring ways of cooking.
Having Ji Hye in Shanghai was the first time though. Its been half a year since Sardinia, but both us just felt like that was just yesterday.

Feeling nothing but tired, easily get tired after a bit of mental work. My mind still takes every opportunity when being left alone to think about being lonely. And when my needs becoming more and more material in this city, I somehow have this illusion of being spiritual deep down in me.
Turning 24 is striking, so many times I felt like standing on this point of my life being smartest ever in knowing who I am, however, being ignorant ever in knowing where I am. I am terrified to figure out how I can be completely responsible for my own life just by who I am. All of a sudden, the ambition, the dream, the wish, become such pressure because they now are so near right in front of my nose.

Speaking of turning 24, marrige appears more often and more serious in conversations. When guys were busy avoiding to give an answer to girlfriends, girls are eager to know who we'd end up with. It is scary to think of being alone forever or the guys we hang on to do not worth it. The childish struggle of choosing career and family quietly exists in us from time to time. Too many "hypothetically" disturb our thoughts. Even though we are still at our 20th, we are trying to get everything planned in next 10 years.

Life being a besieged city again, those who living in the unpredictable want a sense of control, those living in the planned afraid of being bored and cant stop complaining.
And why now, all I feel is fear.

All of a sudden Im determined, more than ever. Im gonna go to Toronto. I am going to make it happen.
And I will end up in either NL or GB in 5 years or even less than that. And that is what I want to do.

Im done with struggling. done.